Hello i am a 19 year old male and i have been having worries that i could be some transgendered person
even though i have been fine with who i am my whole life. It started in October when i was masturbating
and during climax some random image of a guy popped into my head. After that i thought i was gay. So the next
month or so i started to worry i was gay and never really knew about it. And that's when my HOCD started. After a month or so i wondered if anyone else had this one weird sexual fetish of mine. Sometimes i would imagine myself having the ability like that robot in terminator 2 and sometimes i would masterbate sometimes me morphing into some hot chick because i was so attracted to that one person. I don't know why but i did sometimes.
Now my worries didn't start till i read something called autogynophelia or the love as oneself as a woman during sexual arousal and it was related to transgendered topics on the side of Wikipedia. Then my gay fears transitioned to me starting to think and worry if im a some transgendered person but never really knew about it?!? Its weird because people like that have been felling like that since they were children. I never wanted to ever dress up in women's clothing at all. People say you were born like that and that it does not manifest later in life.
I know for sure i am comfortable about being a guy never had anyproblems with it what so ever. I remember when i was like 13 or something i wanted to have a beard like my dad and have an Adams apple because i thought it was cool and have hair under my arms and my legs.Now i never wanted to act feminine in anyway and i know i never wanted to play with dolls or dress up as a girl at all i cant even act like a girl.Now this obsession has been going on since November even though im fine with who i am. Its weird because i wish i never read all this transgendered stuff on the web because it really messed me up. Now i think i had one of the symptoms of gender dyshporia even though i knew i didn't. Its like false thoughts are coming into my head. like im in denial.
I have also been OCD with other things such as me being a germaphobic and having to pray so my family could
be safe if not something horrible would happen to me or my family.Now this autogynophielia is just a theory and it says its related people with gender dysphoria.I know i don't have gender dysphoria so to me this theory is bullshit.
I think i believe this is also because i have way too much time on my hands. I have already graduated from high school and only going to college 2 days out of the whole week and the rest of the days i do absolutely nothing. I remember every summer break in august my mind sometimes would start to go crazy on me and i would think and worry about stuff i didn't want too. But after school started it went away.Its like grade school and sports kept me in check and kept my mind off of stupid things. now with all this free time on my hands my worries keep getting bigger and bigger. Its like i need to setup goals for myself but i don't know what to do. Again i know im fine with who i am i just wish i could stop worrying about this and worry about something else. I don't have any feminine feelings and never cross dressed in my life. The things i used to do like play video games and work on my car things i would enjoy like listening to music all that went away for some reason. I just want to forget about this. Also i have been on other forums and people have had the same fantasy as me so that makes me feel better but still its just a worry wish it would go away. And i know truly i am comfortable with who i am it just feels like my old-self died for some reason. Whats really confusing is that i went to the transvestite fetishism page on Wikipedia and it said men like that are fine with their gender. So how does that not relate to transgender issues and autogynophelia is? Its funny because how can they be fine with who they are and dress as a woman when i never did but just had this one weird fantasy of mine from time to time. Its bs to me because i never cross dressed in my life nor have the desire to do such a thing. Again this is just one really weird fantasy i had but i know i am comfortable with who i am. I think i need to do stuff again and keep my mind occupied